


Helpless

by dwelling_on_dreams



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Slow Build, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 08:30:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6746734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwelling_on_dreams/pseuds/dwelling_on_dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clexa modern AU:<br/>Lexa is over her lonely existence, until her new neighbour moves in. Clarke Griffin and her blue eyes just won't leave Lexa alone. And the walls are extremely thin between their apartments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ch. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a slow burn Clexa with eventual mild smut - at the moment maybe around 10 parts? Will keep you updated x
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)

Lexa flopped onto the couch, dropped her head in her hands and sighed. It had been a long week. Even though she’d worked her ass off overtime every working day, she still felt like she’d accomplished nothing. But that wasn’t what was really frustrating her. 

She was so sick of being alone. She’d felt empty for so long she couldn’t remember what it felt like when someone said her name just to hear the sound. She felt like her chest was going to concave from the emptiness, the giant crevice inside her. 

A low growl from her stomach prompted her to lift her head, and grab her phone from where it lay beside her. 

_Pizza_ , was her only thought as she opened the app and quickly ordered the usual margarita, extra cheese. She then lay back on the couch, and promptly dozed off, phone still dangling loosely from her right hand. 

Suddenly she bolted upright, hearing a banging in the corridor outside her apartment. Mouth salivating at the thought of her favourite comfort food, Lexa dragged herself to the front of her apartment. Just as she pulled back the heavy door, she heard a muffled “fuck” and another loud bang. _Jesus, how heavy is one pizza_ , Lexa scowled to herself. But when the door was fully open Lexa was not looking at pizza, but a scruffy, blonde-haired girl in a wrestling match with a heavy box and a stubborn front door at the apartment opposite hers. 

Surprised by Lexa’s sudden appearance, the girl immediately dropped the enormous box directly onto her foot. 

“Oh for FUCK’S SAKE,” she yelled. Lexa wasn’t sure if she should back away and retreat behind the safety of her door or rush and help the frazzled girl. 

Luckily, her sense kicked in and she hurried over and knelt beside the blonde, who had sunk to the ground in pain, clutching her foot.

“Are you okay?” she asked, a frown worrying her brow. 

“Oh god, how embarrassing, I’m so sorry,” the girl muttered. “I’m Clarke, I’m just moving in.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Lexa replied, “It’s entirely my fault for startling you. Here.” Lexa grasped Clarke’s arm and helped her to her feet, swiftly scooping up the heavy box under the other arm like it weighed as much as a pizza box. Speaking of… a man clearing his throat behind Lexa almost caused her to drop the box on Clarke’s foot again. 

“Um, pizza?” he muttered. 

“Oh, that’s me,” said Lexa, dropping Clarke’s arm to reach into the rear pocket of her jeans and retrieve her wallet. She placed the box down and handed the man the cash, and quickly took the pizza, murmuring “thanks”. 

When she turned around Clarke was once again wrestling the box into the room. She visibly winced when her injured foot nudged the already closing door.

“Wait,” Lexa called, “Let me help you.” Clarke nodded gratefully and let the tall girl hold the door while she finished shoving her way in. 

“Man, that pizza smells good…” Clarke trailed off, unsure how to address the brunette.

“Lexa. You’re more than welcome to share, I never finish the whole thing.”

“That’s very kind of you since we basically just met and all I’ve done is swear in your face,” Clarke laughed.

Lexa let a small smile tug at her lips. She thought the way Clarke swore was quite endearing, this feisty blonde girl determined to take on the world. 

She took one look at all the unpacked boxes surrounding them and quickly invited Clarke to join her for pizza back in her apartment - at least then they could have plates. The tired blonde quickly agreed and they crossed the corridor to the neatest apartment Clarke had ever seen. It looked like everything in the small space had a designated spot, meticulously placed. Clarke perched herself on the sofa, as Lexa approached with two plates loaded with pizza. 

“Heck yes, extra cheese!” Clarke exclaimed. Lexa laughed, and it felt like a weight lifted off her chest. She couldn’t take her eyes off this girl, her soft waves of blonde hair, and the blue eyes that you could drown in if you got close enough. Clarke squinted at her. “Helloooo, earth to Lexa? You’re staring,” she giggled. Lexa started, a hot blush creeping up to her ears.   
“Sorry, it’s been a really long week and I guess I zoned out,” she said, and promptly stuffed her mouth with some pizza. 

They sat in awkward silence while they both hurriedly finished their pizza, and Clarke suddenly stood up. 

“Well um, thank you so much for your help and the food, but I better get back to unpacking my life,” she smiled. “I really appreciate it - and I owe you one for the pizza.”

“Not a problem,” Lexa murmured, walking Clarke to the door. The moment it closed behind the blonde, Lexa leaned against it, her body going slack.

“Shit,” she muttered. She couldn’t get those blue eyes out of her head.


	2. Ch. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little fluff, a little sad Lexa

It had been a week since Clarke had moved in. Lexa hadn’t had a neighbour in so long she had forgotten how thin the walls were - she could hear Clarke laughing at a TV show, singing while she cleaned, swearing when she inevitably bumped into something in the new apartment. Lexa was hyper-aware of any sound coming from the blonde’s direction, just in case, she told herself. 

_In case of what? You hardly know her_ , she reasoned with herself. She shook her head, getting back to the task in front of her, an insurmountable pile of paperwork. Why she ever thought getting into political law was a good idea, she can’t remember now. 

Suddenly, she heard a timid knock at the door and Lexa nearly jumped out of her skin. She pulled it back to reveal a (slightly blushing?) Clarke, bearing a plate of homemade chocolate-chip cookies.

“Um, hi,” Clarke started, “I made way too many cookies and thought I’d do the neighbourly thing and bring some over?” 

“Smells delicious,” replied Lexa, retreating back into her apartment and indicating for Clarke to join her. Twice in only a week… it was rare for Lexa to invite anyone into her private space. But for some reason it felt like she’d known Clarke her whole life. 

Clarke pulled herself onto a stool beside the kitchen bench, reaching for a cookie. 

“So Lexa, what do you do for a living? I always hear you leaving at an ungodly hour of the morning,” Clarke smirked.

“I’m in political law - just trying to make the world a better place!” Lexa snorted at her own joke, even though it wasn’t very funny. “You?” she asked, sobering up. 

“I’m an artist,” Clarke replied, “also trying to make the world a better place - but I’m more the observational kind.” Clarke winked at Lexa, making the taller girl blush bright red.

The blonde girl glanced around the room, trying to continue the conversation and learn more about the mysterious Lexa. Her eyes fell on a photograph, the only one she had seen in the apartment. It was of a girl, not Lexa, but looking at the photographer is if to scold them for taking a picture. She was in a coffee shop, her hair wind-swept, and a scarf wound haphazardly around her neck. Her eyes were filled with laughter behind the serious expression. 

  
“Is this your giiiirlfriend?” Clarke teased, glancing up at Lexa. The moment the words left her lips she wishes she could swallow them back up. Lexa’s face dropped like you had taken away her favourite toy and then she immediately closed off. 

“She was. She died.”

Clarke wanted to sink into the floor. 

“Oh Lexa, I am so sorry, I shouldn’t ha-”

“Forget about it. It was a long time ago.” 

An awkward silence descended upon the two girls. 

“Maybe I should go…” Clarke trailed off, standing up.

“No don’t,” Lexa immediately reached toward Clarke, then quickly dropped her hand. “I swear I’m not a sad-pants, I’m sure we have lots to get to know about each other.”

Clarke smiled. “Well maybe you could help me unpack the last of my boxes? I’m so close to being done but I can’t bring myself to even look at them without help.”

Nodding an affirmative, Lexa followed Clarke out the door and across the hall, grabbing her keys on the way out.

They spent the rest of the evening and long into the night unpacking and arguing about where things should go - Lexa wanting precision and order, whereas Clarke’s personality fit into the “wherever it fits and looks kinda cool” bracket. 

Finally, at 2.01am they collapsed onto Clarke’s cheap IKEA couch, completely exhausted. Clarke’s head drooped almost comically onto Lexa’s shoulder, and the brunette rested her head on Clarke’s for just a minute…

 

Lexa woke with a start, disorientated. She felt Clarke still heavy on her shoulder - Lexa’s neck was stiff and sore from the awkward position they were sleeping in. She unlocked her phone and checked the time - 6.25am. She had to get ready to leave in 45 minutes… it had been stupid to stay up so late. But a small part of her was glad she had spent the time with her new neighbour, even if they had only gotten to know the superficial things about each other, like TV shows, and favourite breakfast foods. 

She gently nudged the blonde girl with her shoulder, awakening her from her uncomfortable slumber. “Clarke…” Lexa whispered, “I have to go to work…”

“Mmmm, no, stay,” Clarke murmured, her hand clutching at Lexa’s button-down, her eyes still closed. Lexa’s heart rate began to rise and she felt the all-too-familiar blush creeping up her neck. “Um, Clarke?” she repeated, a little louder. Jolted from her sleep, Clarke sat up suddenly, jumping away from Lexa like she’d been electrocuted. 

“Oh god, Lexa I’m so sorry, I was so tired and guess I just completely passed out on you-”

Lexa smiled, waving her off. “It’s fine Clarke, honestly. Stop apologizing. I have to go and get ready for work, I don’t like to be late. I… hope we can do this again?” She wasn’t sure if that was the right or appropriate thing to say, but Clarke smiled back gratefully. She reached out and straightened Lexa’s collar, a strangely intimate gesture that felt so right to Lexa. 

“Have a good day at work honey,” she joked, as Lexa’s eyes widened and she fumbled her way back to her apartment, knowing she would most definitely not be focused on any work at all today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	3. Ch. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Clarke backstory!!

Lexa was at work when her phone buzzed persistently in her pocket. She tried to slip it out inconspicuously and glanced at the notification under the board room table. Important clients were due to show up any second now and it was dangerous for her to be caught unprofessionally scrolling through social media when she was meant to be fully focused on her task. She couldn’t help herself though.

_Clarke Griffin has sent you a friend request.  
_

The only Clarke she knew was her neighbour… Lexa couldn’t press “confirm” quicker. She immediately went to the blonde’s profile pictures, getting lost in just the image of those exquisite blue eyes… She was startled by her boss clearing her throat and glaring at Lexa with stone cold eyes. Lexa immediately blushed a bright red - to be caught out by Indra was embarrassing to say the least, considering how hard Lexa had fought to be given this case and how focused she promised to be. 

“Sorry,” she muttered, but she really wasn’t. Clarke wanted to be her friend. 

 

* * *

Clarke Griffin had been Facebook stalking Lexa Woods for the past hour. They had a mutual friend, in the form of her friend’s boyfriend, Lincoln.The brunette was much less active on the site then Clarke would’ve liked, wanting to know every aspect of her new neighbour’s life. There was something about the blushing, broody woman that Clarke just couldn’t get enough of. Probably her willingness to share her pizza, the real way to Clarke’s heart. 

**Octavia Blake:** Claaaaarke when are you going to come back and visit me!? I miss you - we all do

Clarke glanced at the text message from her best friend. She missed her an insane amount seeing as she only moved to Polis two weeks ago. 10 hours was too far a distance to be from all her friends and family. But she was determined to start a new life, free from guilt, blame, and the faces of those she felt she betrayed. 

 

_Finn was driving. He’d had too much to drink and Clarke knew it. Yet she didn’t stop him from getting in the driver’s seat of the van, or stop any of the others getting in the back. They had been celebrating Clarke’s new art exhibition; Monty, Harper, Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, Finn, Jasper and his new girlfriend Maya, and Clarke. She had definitely had too many shots, they all had, but she needed to take off the edge after Finn wouldn’t stop giving her those annoying, leering smirks. He was a showy ass, but they all put up with him. They’d grown up together.  
_

_The van swerved out of the driveway and onto the street, and Finn turned the radio as loud as it would go. Everyone in the back was laughing, rolling around with each swerve of the van. Clarke squinted toward Finn, jokingly telling him to turn up the music when she saw a pinprick of light. A pinprick that grew steadily and then suddenly brighter, until Clarke was blinded and an silent scream formed on her lips._

_It was her mother who broke the news. Clarke’s head throbbed as she tried to comprehend the events that lead to the worst day of her life._

_Finn was dead. Maya was dead. Raven might never walk again. Jasper blamed her. It was her event that they were attending. She couldn’t even look at Bellamy, the only one who had given Clarke a look as she didn’t stop Finn from driving her van. She couldn’t look at their faces without seeing that night._

 

A single tear made its way down Clarke’s cheek. She scrubbed at it hastily as she replied to Octavia, “Soon. I’ll come visit soon. Or you could visit me?”.

She stood up and took a deep breath, stretching toward the ceiling. The past was the past, and she couldn’t change anything that had happened that night. 

Clarke moved to where her brand new easel sat at the window, the smell of fresh paint enveloping her senses. She sat, closed her eyes, and picking up a brush, moved it over the canvas. She lost herself in her painting, not thinking, just moving in soft brush strokes until she woke from her reverie and stepped back from the finished product. 

Two melancholy deep green eyes stared back at her from the canvas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter may include some smut... ;)
> 
>  
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	4. Ch. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yay lil bit of sexy times!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've never written any kind of smut before so here's hoping! feedback always appreciated x
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)

It had been a long week, which meant by the time Lexa made it to the comfort of her own bed her eyes were already shut. Pajamas were too much effort, but at least she managed to remove her stiff work shirt and trousers before curling up around one of her pillows. Just as she was about to drift off into oblivion however, sitcom laughter pulled at her subconscious.

 _Oh come on, seriously?_ Lexa thought as she groaned and rolled over, pulling a pillow over her face and squeezing it to her ears. From what she had seen of the layout of Clarke's apartment, she had guessed their rooms were back to back. She knew Clarke had a t.v. in her bedroom, she had helped her lift the bloody thing into her apartment, and cursed it every night as she heard Clarke loudly guffawing at some god-awful rerun of a sitcom. Lexa hated sitcoms. She would much rather an intense drama, or even a good sci-fi thriller. The only thing that stopped her bashing on the wall to alert Clarke to the fact she was depriving the brunette from her sleep was Clarke's tinkling laughter. It made Lexa smile.

 

But not tonight. Lexa just wanted sleep to lull her into a blissful nothingness. Squeezing her eyes shut, Lexa willed herself to go to sleep. Suddenly, the annoying sitcom sound effects cut off. Clarke was putting on a movie - Lexa could tell from the cinematic music and quiet murmuring of the lead characters. Lexa relaxed, thinking it would be much easier to sleep with this kind of entertainment going on next door.

She was very much mistaken.

Once again, as she was right on the edge of sleep, Lexa was jolted out of her weary stupor. But instead of pissing her off, the noises coming from Clarke's adjoining bedroom made her tired eyes open as wide as they could go. The sounds coming from Clarke's room sounded like... _holy shit I think she's watching porn_ , thought Lexa. She was suddenly more awake than she'd been all week.

A low moan drifted from her neighbour's direction, one that was definitely not coming from the television. Lexa stopped breathing. Her face was on fire and her heart beat rapidly. She felt insanely guilty as she knew whatever was going on in Clarke's room was definitely not for her ears. But she couldn't help it that the walls were so goddamn thin.

Lexa heard a sharp intake of breath and a low moan of _"oh fuck, yes"_ and the heat from her face immediately travelled down between her legs. She was sure Clarke was alone, and the image of her tangled and sweaty in her sheets, pleasuring herself, was almost too much for Lexa as she felt her own hand travelling south by its own will. Clarke was now panting so loudly Lexa could hear every breathy moan and expletive coming from the blonde's mouth, and she willed herself to stay as quiet as possible as she pictured the girl's startling blue eyes dripping with lust. She matched her strokes to the sounds travelling from the blonde, her entire mind saturated with thoughts of her beautiful neighbour's slender fingers doing exactly what Lexa was doing to herself right now.

As the noises coming from next door began to increase in volume and speed, Lexa could feel herself edging closer to her own climax. _"Oh my god, yes,"_ Clarke moaned, and Lexa exploded into the stars, her lips silently forming Clarke's name as she rode out her high. Clarke obviously was at the same point if what Lexa could hear was any indication, and soon there was silence once again. Clarke had turned the film off.

 

Realising what had just happened, Lexa once again felt her face burning up, and she quickly made her way to the bathroom, washing her hands and splashing her face with cold water. It had been a long time since Lexa had touched herself, even longer since someone else had helped her. She hoped to god that Clarke did not realise how much Lexa had heard... and enjoyed. She nearly groaned at the thought of seeing Clarke face to face when they would inevitably bump into each other in the stairwell - how could she even look the stunning girl in the eye after what she was experienced tonight?

 

But most of all, she wondered if Clarke had thought about her as she had thought about the blue eyed girl.


	5. Ch. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More blushing, a party and a promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long! life, ya know
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)

Clarke had been thinking about Octavia's text for a few days now. After spending the majority of her days cooped up in her apartment painting, watching crappy reality TV and eating takeout, she was starting to get itchy feet.

She needed to get back into regular work, but at any mention of showing her work at a gallery or any kind of show Clarke felt like she was on the verge of a panic attack. She just needed time. At least that's what she told herself.

It was Thursday morning. Clarke knew Octavia's last lecture of the week was that afternoon, and hoped O hadn't planned anything for the weekend. Swiping her phone off the kitchen counter, Clarke dialed her best friend.

"Griffin! I thought you'd never ask," exclaimed Octavia, before Clarke could even get a word out.

"How do you always know what I'm always going to say before I even open my mouth?" Clarke sighed. "Yes, I was going to invite you to stay for the weekend but I guess you're too busy with that _arts degree_..." she trailed off.

"Hey, piss off! At least I actually went to university," Octavia teased, laughing.

"Okay, okay, okay, I surrender! So will you come? Nothing special, just hanging out, watching the entire season of Stranger Things... I'll even let you pick the pizza?"

"Griffin, you present an offer I cannot refuse. Can Raven come too?"

"Of course!" Clarke didn't hesitate, "It will be nice to have a girls weekend. I miss you guys."

"We miss you too, princess. SEE YOU ON FRIDAY!" Octavia screamed into the phone, forcing Clarke to hold hers as far away from her ear as possible as she hit the end call button, chuckling to herself.

 

* * *

By 9pm on Friday evening, Clarke, Octavia and Raven were curled up in a mess of blankets, cushions, empty pizza boxes and half drunk bottles of cheap white wine. While both her friends were engrossed in the Netflix show, Clarke decided she wasn't such a big fan of scary suspense shows and resigned herself to hiding under her blanket and playing on her phone. As Octavia and Raven jumped and screeched at every five minute interval, Clarke found herself searching a certain neighbour's Facebook page. 

After ten minutes of looking at profile pictures she had already closely examined, Clarke audibly sighed at the fact Lexa wasn't posting any new content that gave an inkling of insight into her life.

Raven and Octavia looked at each other over the mess of pizza and blankets - they knew that sigh, and they knew Clarke. Simultaneously, they sprung onto Clarke, Octavia tickling her while Raven snatched the phone from her grasp.

"Ooooooh, Clarke has a new girl crush!" she shouted conspiratorially.

"Shh, Raven shut up!" Clarke hissed.

"What, worried she might hear us?!" Raven laughed, oblivious.

"YES, now shut UP!"

Octavia scrunched up her eyebrows. "Wait Clarke, I'm confused? Is this girl hiding in your bedroom or something?"

"No... she... she lives next door," Clarke whispered, her eyes downcast.

"Wait WHAT," Raven exclaimed, jumping to her feet. "Can we meet her?"

"Oh my god Raven, no! I barely even know her. She's probably super busy, she's a lawyer or something. And she wouldn't want to be bothered. Plus we've only hung out like twice so it would be weir-"

"You've already hung out!? Clarke you are 100% in there, I can't believe you've already ditched us for this bombshell of a neighbour," Octavia joked.

"Stop it, she'll hear youuuu," Clarke whined.

"Good," said Octavia, bouncing up from her pillow nest and bounding towards the door.

"Octavia no! What are you doing?!" Clarke gasped, as she struggled to follow the nimble Octavia. The blankets and pillows suddenly became an almost insurmountable obstacle to the blonde who, as soon as she had a glass of wine in her, became clumsy and bumbly. She finally extracted herself and dashed to the door... but it was too late. Her best friend had already raised her fist and was knocking incessantly on her neighbour's front door.

Clarke grabbed her arm and began pulling her back into the apartment, when Lexa's door swung open. Clarke couldn't stop her jaw from dropping slightly at the sight of the brunette, her hair mussed and business shirt untucked from her pencil skirt, which left next to nothing to the imagination.

"Hi," Octavia broke the silence, "I'm Octavia, Clarke's _best friend_. We just wanted to let you know, Clarke's having a party tomorrow night to celebrate her best friends visiting and we... she... wanted to invite you to come. It will be really fun! You don't need to bring anything... except alcohol. Bring alcohol. Okay thanks bye!"

With that, Octavia dragged a stunned Clarke back towards her own apartment. Glancing back over her shoulder at Lexa worriedly, Clarke mouthed _sorry!_ to the brunette, whose face broke out into a smirk as she mouthed back _,_ _see you tomorrow, Clarke_.

Clarke could almost hear the "k" clicking off Lexa's tongue. And her lips. _Stop thinking about your neighbour's mouth_ , Clarke scolded herself, as the door shut behind her and she punched Octavia hard in the arm.


	6. Ch. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party, nice scotch, a jealous brunette and a nervous blonde

Lexa undid then re-did her top button for the 23rd time that night. She wasn't sure if she was over or under-dressed. What she did know, was that she wanted to get drunk and flirt with a beautiful blonde. She had a particular one in mind.

Catching a glimpse of her serious, concerned face in the hallway mirror, Lexa took a deep breath and smoothed out her facial features. She had settled on a cropped, button up, collared shirt, and some seriously tight, high waisted black leather pants. _It'll have to do_ , she thought to herself; she was already 10 minutes late, and Lexa Woods did not like to be late.

Grabbing the bottle of scotch off the side table, Lexa headed across the hall to Clarke's door, where she could hear music blasting already. She knocked politely, and after waiting for five minutes, realised that it was more than likely that no-one on the other side of the door could hear her, considering she could hear the girls screaming Beyonce. Gently, she turned the door handle, and wasn't surprised to find it unlocked, and she let herself in.

A gorgeous, tanned brunette Lexa hadn't seen before turned around and caught sight of the awkward Lexa loitering by the door, and suddenly let out a squeal, running over and grabbing Lexa by the arm.

"Sexy neighbour is here!" she shrieked, and turning back to the highly embarrassed Lexa, said, "I'm Raven, Clarke's other best friend. Oh, you brought scotch! That's a bit fancy - you're going to have to play catch up as we've already had a few..." Pulling Lexa toward the centre of the action, Raven hiccuped a little, then giggled.

There were a few other guests at the party that Lexa didn't recognise, but it was the centre of the small crowd that Lexa immediately focused on - Clarke, who had obviously just lost a game of King's Cup, with a scrunched up nose was chugging the contents of a murking looking alcoholic concoction. When she had finished draining the cup, Clarke slammed it down on the table amidst the chairs of her friends surrounding her. She looked up and immediately made eye contact with Lexa, who had just realised she was way too sober for this. Maybe it was Lexa's imagination, but she could swear the blonde's blue eyes darkened as a smile broke over her stunning features.

* * *

Clarke knew the King's Cup was going to hit her any second, and she also knew from one look that Lexa was completely sober. She got up, silently proud that she didn't stumble or trip in her current state, and headed toward the girl with the bottle of scotch.

"Lex! Thanks for coming! Let me get you a glass for that," she said, reaching for the bottle clutched tightly in the brunette's fist. When her hand brushed Lexa's on the bottle, Clarke swore a bolt of electricity soared through their connected skin, and both girls jumped slightly as Lexa surrendered the bottle to Clarke.

"Uh, thanks," Lexa stammered, following Clarke to the kitchen, where the blonde poured a large amount of scotch over a glass of ice. The minute the liquor was in Lexa's hand, she downed to glass in one, ignoring the burning sensation that seared her throat.

"Wow, someone's keen," observed Clarke, as she poured Lexa another.

"Well, it seems like I have a way to go to catch up, Queen of King's Cup," Lexa quipped.

"I prefer Princess," the blonde winked. Lexa felt another one of those damned hot flushes come over her.

 

A couple of hours later, and Lexa was definitely buzzed. Maybe a little more than buzzed. She had spoken to a few of Clarke's friends, and found herself particularly enjoying the company of Raven, who turned out to be quite witty and observant, even in her inebriated state. But for the majority of the evening, she had  chosen to be more of an observer than a participant in the party games. She couldn't take her eyes off Clarke for more than a minute, who was the life of the party, and was practically glowing every time she dominated yet another game.

At quarter to eleven, Octavia took it upon herself to announce the party was moving to a new location - the new club that had just opened a couple of blocks away. She insisted it wasn't too far to walk, and the group stumbled out of the apartment, down the stairs and into the street. Lexa shivered at the sudden cold breeze, and rubbed her arms as she followed the loud party. Clarke, who was at the forefront of the group, turned back around, her eyes scanning. She spotted Lexa shivering at the back of the group and ran back. Reaching out, Clarke took Lexa's slender hand in her own, and with a secret smile, led her onwards to the club. If she wasn't drunk before, Lexa definitely felt giddy now.

 

When they finally reached the club (which was definitely further than Octavia had proclaimed), the shivering crowd quickly aimed for the bar for a round of shots.

"To Clarke!" shouted Raven, as they all winced at the burn of tequila, slamming their shot glasses down at the same time. Octavia grabbed Clarke's arm, and pulling her away from the group, led the way to the dance floor. The music was loud, Lexa could feel it in her chest, and the atmosphere was hyped and pumping. Lexa pulled herself into a seat at the bar and ordered another tequila from the pretty bartender who was definitely flirting with her as she winked, saying it was on the house. Lexa smiled, feeling a little smug, and turned back to the dance floor where she could make out Clarke and her friends.

Speaking of making out... Octavia had already managed to lock lips with a tall dark stranger, and it looked like Raven was on track as well as she danced with a leggy dark blonde Lexa didn't recognise.

And then there was Clarke. The blonde looked like she didn't have a care in the world as she swung her hips, her hands in the air and her hair tossed and wild. It seemed like almost everyone in the club had their eyes on her, and Lexa watched guardedly as an attractive man sauntered up to her, confident in his ability to catch the attention of the girl in front of him. Lexa watched as he leaned down and whispered in Clarke's ear, as she giggled in return. Lexa turned back to the bar, a sudden hot feeling burning her ears and making her fingers tingle. She had no right to be jealous or possessive of the blonde, she could do whatever she liked... but that didn't make Lexa any less angry as she ordered yet another shot.

By the time she turned back around to look at the dance floor, the man was dancing up next to Clarke suggestively, and the girl seemed to be a bit uncomfortable as he inched closer. Suddenly, Lexa's protective instinct flared up. She got up, and strode towards the mass of bodies moving to the beat.

"I think you should give the lady some space," she growled menacingly over the bass to the man. In her slight heels, Lexa was the same height as the leering stranger.

"Wow, okay, I'm backing up," he said, hands in the air as he rolled his eyes and shrugged, disappearing back into the crowd.

Lexa turned back around to see Clarke, her eyes dark and pupils blown wide.

"Dance with me," she growled in Lexa's ear as she grabbed the brunette's hands and placed them on her waist. Lexa obliged, her body settling into the rhythm of the beat as Clarke twisted in her arms. Her dizzy mind could not comprehend what was happening. She was dancing with her neighbour whom she had a gigantic crush on. Her neighbour who she had heard giving herself an orgasm. Suddenly every inch of Lexa's body was on fire. Clarke continued twisting until her back was flush against Lexa's front, and she began to grind. _Wow_ , was the extent of Lexa's brain capacity as she let go to only concentrate on the feeling of the blonde against her.

**_I'm so into you, I can barely breathe_ **

At the change of song, Clarke suddenly turned in Lexa's arms. She looked up at the brunette with fire burning in her eyes, and twisted her hands in Lexa's loose curls. Reaching up onto her toes, she inched closer, until Lexa could feel her hot breath brushing over her lips. Lexa couldn't wait a second longer. She pulled Clarke impossibly closer, and suddenly their lips were touching, and moving, and _wow_. The kiss started slow and gentle, each exploring the impossibly soft lips of the other, then built with the chorus of the song, and suddenly Clarke was biting at Lexa's lower lip and moaning into her mouth and Lexa thought she was going to explode.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay tuned for pt 7 coming shortly ;)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	7. Ch. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you're all welcome for this explicit chapter
> 
> mostly sin and a little angst at the end

_I have to be dreaming. This can't be real_ , was the only coherent thought that managed to make its way into Lexa's incapacitated brain. Clarke's lips continued to press greedily against Lexa's own, the occasional graze of her teeth gently biting Lexa's and _oh god her tongue_. The brunette let her hands wander down Clarke's back, scratching gently as the blonde moaned into her mouth in response.

Pulling away suddenly, Clarke grabbed one of Lexa's wayward hands and began pulling her away from the dance floor. Lexa followed in a daze, her body thrumming in response to Clarke's advances. She made brief eye contact with Raven as they passed, with Clarke's friend giving her a knowing wink before disappearing back into the pulsing crowd.

"Where are we going?" she called, trying to get Clarke's attention, but either the blonde didn't hear her over the deafening bass, or she chose not too, because she continued tugging Lexa through the club without a backwards glance.

They made it to the bathroom, where Lexa had figured Clarke was headed, and thankfully there was no queue to stare at them as Clarke roughly pulled Lexa into the closest stall, slamming the brunette up against the door as she reattached their lips.

"Clarke," Lexa moaned as the blonde ran her hands down Lexa's sides to her hips, pulling them closer together. The brunette took advantage of the moment when Clarke pulled away for a ragged breath and flipped them around, so she now had Clarke pinned against the door. She kissed the other girl, hard, before latching her lips to Clarke's neck, biting and sucking. The alcohol pulsing through her system making her bold, Lexa pushed her thigh between Clarke's, and the blonde groaned loudly in response, grinding down on Lexa's leg. As the blonde dragged her fingers through Lexa's loose curls, she suddenly remembered where they were. She didn't want her first time with the neighbour of her dreams to be in the dirty bathroom of a nightclub. She pulled back, and Clarke looked up at her, eyes wide and lips swollen.

"Um, do you wanna take this back to my place?" Lexa said nervously. Clarke laughed out loud at the timid question coming from the girl who had been so bold not five minutes ago.

"I couldn't have put it better myself," Clarke winked, spinning around and unlocking the stall. She began to walk away to exit the club, and Lexa stood stunned for a moment, before Clarke turned around and offered a hand to the speechless brunette.

"Well, you coming?" she asked.

"I hope so," Lexa quipped, coming to her (rather inebriated) senses, taking Clarke's offered hand and pushing through the crowd toward the exit without a second thought.

 

* * *

 

They finally made it back to their building, after stumbling and shivering down the street from the club. Lexa fumbled with her keys, trying to find the right one to force into the stubborn lock as Clarke kissed her neck and tangled her fingers in her hair.

"Damnit Clarke," Lexa muttered as she dropped her keys for the third time. The blonde giggled and grabbed Lexa's wrist before she could pick up the offending keys.

"Why don't we just cut our losses and take this to mine?" she winked. "It's not very far away..."

With that, Lexa's eyes darkened, her mind suddenly reminding her of her mental image of Clarke in her bedroom from that fateful night Clarke put on that movie.

"It's open," Clarke mumbled, distracted by watching Lexa's soft lips as they dropped slightly in awe of the stunning blonde.

Lexa's brow furrowed. "You didn't lock your door before we left?"

"Oops," Clarke giggled as she backed against the door, opening it from behind her and once again leaving Lexa stunned behind her. Lexa caught the door before it closed, and looked up just in time to see Clarke's top hit the floor. The blonde was still walking toward the bedroom, her back to Lexa. Without a second thought the brunette rushed toward Clarke, scooping her up in her arms and swiftly carried her to her bedroom. Clarke squealed, but otherwise made no complaint as Lexa gently lowered her to the bed, lavishing her throat with hot, open-mouthed kisses.

Clarke pushed at Lexa's crop top, clumsily unbuttoning the garment with shaky fingers and pushing it from tanned shoulders. Lexa groaned as their skin came in contact with each other - even with both their bras on Lexa felt like her skin was on fire.

"Rest of your clothes, off," Clarke demanded breathily, and Lexa was more than happy to oblige. She pushed herself back upright and struggled to peel off her tight pants, finally kicking them off to some corner of the bedroom. Clarke watched with hungry eyes scanning the brunette, propping herself up with her arms on the bed.

"God, you're stunning," she growled, and Lexa stalked back toward the bed, clad only in her bra and briefs.

"Your turn," Lexa mumbled, and kissing Clarke gently, moved her hands down Clarke's soft stomach and around her back to fumble with the zip on her tight skirt. Clarke lifted her hips obligingly, and Lexa slid the skirt quickly off, tossing it behind her and moving back up to kiss Clarke. They pushed and pulled, each fighting for dominance over the kiss, and suddenly Clarke's hands snaked up behind Lexa, unlatching her bra and pulling it off the brunette. Lexa moaned as Clarke palmed her breasts.

"No fair," she gasped, and after fumbling with Clarke's bra, finally tore away the offending garment. She began kissing her way down Clarke's neck and toward her breasts, leaving bruises as she sucked and nipped her way down, soothing with her tongue.

"Oh my god, fuck, Lexa," the blonde exclaimed. After the other night, Lexa knew Clarke was a vocal lover, but the sound of her name in this beautiful girl's mouth was almost too much for the brunette, and she felt herself getting more and more turned on. After playing with the blonde's incredible breasts for a few minutes, Lexa starting trailing her way down further, and Clarke's moans grew steadily more desperate and pleading. She slowed down, kissing the inside of Clarke's thigh gently, getting closer to the place Clarke was willing her to be.

"Oh- Lex- Lexa, please," the blonde groaned. Lexa hovered over the girl's underwear clad centre. "Oh god," she groaned - she could already see Clarke's underwear was soaked through. She felt the blonde's hands rake through her hair, scratching gently at her scalp. She looked up at the blonde, her head tossed back and breathing heavily.

"Are you sure, Clarke?" Lexa asked.

"Yes, Lexa please, just fuck me already," Clarke groaned, and looked down at the brunette. As soon as they made eye contact and the words had left Clarke's mouth, Lexa's whole body tingled with anticipation and longing. Without looking, she pulled Clarke's ruined underwear down her legs and tossed them away. She lowered her mouth to Clarke and finally tasted her, the heady scent of Clarke making her feel once again like she was about to explode, with no stimulation whatsoever.

"Yes, Lexa GOD," Clarke cried, her legs tightening around Lexa's ears. After one long stroke, Lexa focused her skilled tongue on Clarke's clit, drawing tight, quick circles that made the girl above her cry out and tighten her grip on Lexa's hair. Slowly and gently, Lexa eased a single digit into Clarke, revelling in the way her tight, velvet walls clenched as Lexa fingered her.

"More, Lexa, please," Clarke moaned, and she obliged, slipping in a second finger, while continuing her ministrations with her tongue. After establishing a rhythm, she lifted her head and looked at up the blonde, spread and glorious on the bed above her, one hand still in Lexa's hair and the other fisting the sheets below her. Lexa moved up Clarke's body, her fingers still working their rhythm. Their mouths connected in open kisses, both girls moaning at the other's touch. Clarke inadvertently moved her thigh up, suddenly connecting to Lexa's centre.

"Oh god, Clarke," the brunette exclaimed, pushing down on Clarke's leg, her underwear completely soaked through. She begin grinding a matching pace to her fingers, and it wasn't long until both girls were close to their climax. Clarke was writhing, groaning and gasping beneath her, and Lexa could feel her orgasm close approaching. She suddenly added a third finger and Clarke nearly lost it, screaming Lexa's name.

"Lexa! I'm so- god, I'm so close," she muttered breathily between moans.

"Come for me, Clarke," Lexa breathed in her ear, and Clarke didn't know whether it was the way Lexa's tongue clicked the final consonant of her name, or the way she crooked her fingers right at that moment, but she arched her back as her climax overtook her. Lexa followed not long after, Clarke's thigh pressed against her, and finally collapsed onto the bed beside Clarke. The blonde immediately pulled Lexa's arm over her body, Lexa's front pressed flush against Clarke's back, both breathing heavily.

 _Holy shit,_ they both thought.

* * *

 

When Lexa finally awoke, head throbbing, it was to an empty bed. Her clothes were folded neatly on the opposite side of the bed, and when Lexa reached over to them, squinting at the unwelcome morning light, she noticed a note sitting on top.

 

 _I'm sorry_ , was all it said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	8. Ch. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just ANGST

Lexa was extremely confused. Clarke had been the confident one, the one who initiated almost everything. Lexa may have been drunk, but from what she did remember, there was no hesitation, and certainly nothing to be sorry about.

After hastily dressing in her clothes from the previous night, Lexa left the empty apartment and snuck back across the hall. When she made it to her bedroom, she sat on the edge of her bed, slumped over, thinking. She tried to run over every second of the night, but her head was throbbing and she still felt dizzy, possibly even still drunk. She groaned, massaging her aching temple. Eventually, she fell backward onto her back and fell back into a troubled slumber, dreaming of blonde hair and dark nightclubs.

 

* * *

_Idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot.  
_ Clarke smacked her palm against her forehead. _Why do I always have to go and ruin everything._

Her internal monologue was making the hangover even worse, if that was possible. She wasn't sure if she was more mad at herself about the previous night, or the way she handled the morning after.

The problem was, Clarke used people for sex. She used sex as a way to escape herself, the niggling doubts and self-loathing. She craved validation. No emotional attachment. That was her one rule. She had been like this since her father had passed away, three years previously. Until Finn. Finn had used her the way she used everyone around her. Maybe that's what shook her so much about him. Made him different from all the other one night stands.

Finn would joke about all the women he was sleeping with. In front of friends, in front of Clarke - he was the ultimate untameable jerk. Clarke wanted what she couldn't have. They constantly toyed with each other - their relationship was open, but Clarke would introduce him as her boyfriend, and so became stuck in this tumultuous tug-of-war relationship that boiled down to screaming matches and fighting, and then to make up sex. Clarke hated the person she was when she was with Finn, but she hated herself more without him.

The night of the accident, at her art exhibition, Finn had off-handedly commented on one of Clarke's most personal pieces. She almost didn't even submit it for the show, but Raven had knowingly nudged her, telling her this vulnerable part of her soul told the most moving story. The painting was of a woman's back, her shoulders dusted with stars that looked like they were falling down her skin. Her dad had always loved constellations, and when Clarke was a girl they had lain on the trampoline in the backyard together, her father pointing out his favourite stars, and telling Clarke stories about the images he saw within. She had itched to paint it on a live model, but was far too self-conscious to ask Raven or Octavia, or even hire a model. So she just painted on cheap canvas.

_"Who's the chick?" Finn had nudged Clarke, pointing at the picture. "She looks like a good time. Can you introduce me - or have you already claimed her as your own toy?" The words had a snide edge to them - Finn was picking a fight._

_"Fuck off, Finn," Clarke muttered._

_"Only if you come with me," he retorted._

_"I said, leave me alone." Clarke took a step back, distancing herself. Finn followed, crowding her. "Come on baby, it was just a little joke. You can handle it. Why don't we get out of here, just me and you."_

_Suddenly, Raven was there between them, pushing Finn away, a full shot glass in each hand._

_"Woah, woah, back it up Finn. This is Clarke's night and she's worked fucking hard to get here. Now can everyone take a shot and just enjoy the night like we're supposed to?" Clarke shot Raven an appreciative smile, making an effort to rearrange her posture and facial expression to reflect the embodiment of a perfect host. Finn raised his eyebrows and downed the drink, but not before sending Clarke a look that said "this is not over yet"._

 

If she had just gone with Finn when he had suggested it, maybe he would still be alive. Maybe everyone would still be alive, uninjured. But Clarke was selfish, as always. When her paintings had been returned to her after she arrived home from hospital, Clarke had painted over the star girl in white paint, but if you looked at it in the right light, you could still see the outline of a shoulder.

 

But Lexa, Lexa was different. Clarke didn't want her to be just another body to warm her bed. There was something about the green-eyed lawyer that made her feel like there was not enough oxygen to fill her lungs. And now she'd gone and ruined it by panicking and fleeing her own damn apartment, walking aimlessly around the neighbourhood without a clue where she was headed.

Her mind reeling, head throbbing, Clarke found herself in a park she vaguely recognised. It was reasonably abandoned, no children's play area to draw the masses. Finally, she couldn't hold on to the monsters in her mind. She bent over, hands on her knees, chest constricting and heart racing. _This is all your fault. You fucking idiot_. She couldn't hear anything else, just a dull roaring in her ears and her malicious brain eating away at her. Clarke couldn't breathe. She was going to faint, or be sick, or both. She stumbled over to the closest trash can, heaving and dry retching over the side, until her stomach ached. Flopping on to the grass, Clarke rested her head on her knees, and her arms crossed around her legs. Silent tears streaked down her face, as she tried desperately to pull herself together.

An hour later, Clarke made it back to her apartment. She snuck in silently, listening intently to make sure Lexa had returned to her apartment before entering her bedroom. The sheets were made and Clarke's note sat on the pillow. Under Clarke's scrawled apology were two words, written in cursive.

 

_Don't be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one's kind of short, but i have big plans
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	9. Ch. 9

Five months had passed.

Five months since a scrawled apology resting on a pillow had pushed Lexa away.

Five months of avoiding contact. Five months of awkwardly bumping into each other on the stairs, putting each other's mail back into the correct box. Once, Clarke had even pretended to forget something in her apartment when she and Lexa had both happened to be leaving at the same time, just so she could rush back inside, slamming the door in her haste and leaning back against it, mentally chastising herself for being so awfully obvious in avoiding the other girl.

 

Raven and Octavia were annoying Clarke. She knew they were just worried about her relapsing; although she didn't see how it was relapsing if she'd never fully recovered in the first place. After all, Polis was supposed to be a clean break from her old life. Wasn't she allowed to be reckless and carefree, after being a goody-two-shoes for her entire youth?

 

The truth was, Clarke was scared. She was scared because she couldn't see a future. And while she couldn't see the future, the best way to forget the past was to get lost in the present.

So, just like that, Clarke reverted to the only escape from her mind she knew was effective. This resulted in a steady stream of Tinder dates and lovers picked up at various seedy bars all over the city, whom Clarke would bring back to share her bed before she could even remember their first names.

After one such tryst, at what she thought must be an obscenely early hour of the morning, Clarke was awoken by a sharp knock on the front door. She groaned, flinging an arm over her eyes, trying to ignore the incessant noise and sink back into blissful oblivion, but the girl who she had brought home last night to help her forget seemed to have other plans. Pulling the cotton sheet off the bed and off Clarke, the girl (Natalie? Clarke couldn't quite remember her name) wrapped the sheet around herself and went to answer the door. Clarke thought this was extremely bold considering they had barely even talked before the "sleepover" was initiated, but remembering how vocal the girl was last night Clarke began to rethink her judgement.

"Can I help you?" Clarke heard the girl (Niylah, that was her name), address the visitor.

"I'm looking for Clarke," came the assertive reply, and the blonde nearly jumped out of her skin at the familiar voice. Instead, she scrambled around the room for a ratty pair of sweats and an old white t-shirt before bolting out into the corridor and to the front door.

"Lexa," she choked, while Niylah looked back and forth between the two women, an eyebrow raised questioningly.

The tall brunette thrust a handful of letters toward Clarke, who took them cautiously.

"There was no more room in your mailbox, and the postman kept putting your letters in my box. You might want to empty it every once in a while," Lexa stated coldly. "And please turn down the volume, some of us have to work and would prefer to get some sleep during the night."

Clarke felt her cheeks turn scarlet as she realised what Lexa was implying.

"Um, yeah, sorry Lexa," she stammered, but the other girl had already turned on her heel and disappeared down the stairs.

"Fuck," Clarke murmured, running a hand through her mussed hair. But Niylah had laced her hand with Clarke's and gently shut the door, guiding Clarke back to the bedroom.

 

* * *

Lexa was pissed, and she was tired. She was sick of hearing Clarke and her string of lovers every other night as she lay awake and restless on the other side of the wall. _You were obviously just another one of her distractions_ , Lexa's mind told her, over and over again. _It's not like you were dating, why are you so damn hung up on her?_

Work was becoming overwhelming as she became more tense and fatigued, and she found no release when she returned home.

She didn't understand what she had done to make Clarke so studiously avoid her, but she knew how others perceived her. Aloof, cold, the quintessential lawyer whose only interest was money. Lexa thought she had been different with Clarke, but apparently not.

 _I could really use a cigarette,_ she thought one evening as she loosened her tie and shucked her shoes. Lexa didn't even smoke, but the prospect of filling her body with chemicals and smoke was better than the crippling emptiness she felt when she returned to her spotless apartment each night.

Instead, she sighed, and pulled a chilled bottle of white wine from the fridge, and sat at the kitchen bench, filling up a glass. As she reached for the bottle for her fifth refill, Lexa's sleeve caught on the frame sitting nearby and she watched it fall in slow motion and hit the bench top, glass shattering.

Carefully, trying to avoid all the glass, Lexa reached for the old photo and slid it from beneath the frame, looking into the dark molten brown eyes that were Costia's.

 

Costia had been her first love, the first time Lexa realised that maybe, just maybe, what she felt deep down wasn't wrong, but really, truly, right. She had met the brown-skinned beauty in high-school, Lexa a nerdy mess and Costia, the pretty girl who laughed at Lexa's lame enthusiasm about studying Pride and Prejudice for the third time in English class. They had formed a fast, unlikely friendship, and Lexa spent almost every weekend at Costia's, binge-watching TV shows, gossiping about classmates and sharing their deepest secrets. But there was one secret Lexa hadn't let go of.

 

_They were both squeezed into Costia's single bed, late at night with just the light of Costia's reading lamp illuminating their features._

_"Hey Cos," Lexa said, as if she had just thought of a crazy idea. They often jokingly schemed together, planning class pranks, or setting their friends up together. "Have you ever played spin the bottle?"_

_"Yeah," Costia began, "but it was pretty gross, I landed on this weird boy who slobbered all over me - worst kiss ever."_

_Lexa hesitated. "How did you even know how to kiss?" she asked timidly._

_Costia laughed, poking Lexa in the side teasingly. "I dunno, you just kind of do it! It's usually pretty gross at first, but it feels kinda tingly when you kiss someone you like. Or someone who's a good kisser."_

_Lexa's brow furrowed as if she was considering what "tingly" felt like. The green eyed girl had yet to kiss anyone, and the pressure to make her first kiss a good one, a meaningful one was weighing heavily on Lexa._

_"Do you think, maybe, we could practice? Just so I don't mess up the first time," Lexa stammered haltingly, and Costia looked at her questioningly. "Practice what? Kissing?"_

_"Yeah," squeaked Lexa. Costia looked like she considered the proposal for a moment, and then she turned to face Lexa, who was a tense ball of nerves, studiously avoiding Costia's dark gaze._

_"Okay, if you dare me," Costia challenged._

_Lexa snapped to face her, surprised that her best friend would actually even consider the deed, as she was ready to make a funny remark and laugh it off as a joke. But her eyes travelled to Costia's full lips as she murmured, "I dare you."_

_Their eyes drifted slowly shut as Costia gently pressed her lips to Lexa's briefly, and Lexa felt as if her heart had stopped, and then restarted at a million miles an hour. Her whole body was on fire - this wasn't just tingles. Costia pulled away, looking at Lexa and laughing. The latter however, was completely serious as she whispered, "I dare you again."_

 

Lexa felt her hand begin to shake around the picture as her vision went blurry with tears. She dropped the photo to the bench, but as her hand slid a piece of glass from the frame grazed her hand, and the cut began to ooze crimson blood. Stumbling off the bench, Lexa fumbled to her bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and holding it to her hand. By this time, tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, her mascara running in ugly streaks. She flopped onto her bed, curling up around her pillow, her sobs getting louder and more uncontrollable. Lexa hadn't cried in years. Lexa didn't cry. Lexa couldn't breathe as grief wracked her body and she clutched the now-bloody cloth around her hand.

Suddenly, she heard a loud banging on her front door.

"Lexa! Lexa, are you okay? Let me in! Please!"

The brunette only sobbed harder into her pillow, her body shaking uncontrollably. She heard a loud bang, and a crash, and suddenly Clarke Griffin was dropping onto her knees on the bed next to Lexa.

 

"Oh my god Lexa, Lexa, look at me," Clarke breathed, taking the brunette's head between her hands and forcing her to look into Clarke's blue eyes.

"Lexa, I'm here, I'm here," she soothed, and brought Lexa's head to her chest, cradling the girl in her arms, and rubbing circles into her back.

"It's my fault," was all Lexa could choke out.

 

"It's my, it's my fault that she died. It's my fault Costia killed herself. I wasn't there," Lexa choked on a sob, and Clarke held her as tightly as she could, like nothing in the world could separate them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	10. Ch. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahhh sorry it's been so long but here is an update (i know it is short but hopefully the next will be soon!!!! i have plans) - also erryone lay off Clarke - everyone deals with things differently and shouldn't be ashamed of themselves. I have tried to write these characters as pretty flawed lol as I feel it gives them more depth and "realness"... now i'm rambling. enjoy!
> 
> Also trigger warning - depressive thoughts

_I am feeling depressed. I am sad and sometimes it is hard to breathe. Like I physically have to remind my lungs to expand, inhale, hold, exhale. Relax. I can't even cry. My throat restricts with unshed tears until a small sob makes it's way past and my throat hurts with the effort. My eyes are wet but no tears. I try to find my pulse, to check I'm still functioning, that my body hasn't fully broken down, it's just my mind... I recognise it, understand the feeling even, but I can't push it away. I try to eat healthier. Fruit, yoghurt, salad. Tea. I try to go for walks. It helps temporarily. I try to make plans. I feel like a nag. Every conversation I am supposed to be a part of I feel like an unnecessary voice. Always just on the outside, my input not really needed to keep the masses entertained. They would do fine without me. So I double check everything I write before deleting and never hitting enter. I pause before I speak, to tell a story no-one is really interested in hearing. I can't sleep again. My shoulders hurt from trying to be smaller, from trying to fold into myself. My back hurts from tossing and turning. Sometimes my mind won't fucking shut up. That's why I have to write this. I thought I was over this feeling - attributed it to circumstances at the time, but now it's just returned out of no-where, just when I was feeling positive, happy. It really caught me unawares. I'm tired all the time and just want to lie down and mindlessly scroll through the internet. It's hard to get out of bed if I don't have to. I just feel really fucking_ alone _. I am lonely. I'm trying to drink more water._

Lexa put down her pen next to the leather-bound journal that was serving as the only outlet for her tangled emotions. It was late, about 2am. After her embarrassing melt-down the other night in front of Clarke, Lexa had barely managed to get out of bed. She knew her neighbour was worried - after Lexa had stopped sobbing enough to come to her senses, she had let the other girl dress her cut, her fingers ever so gentle as she smoothed over Lexa's hand. The brunette was eventually able to convince her to return to her apartment with promises that they would talk; but what about, Lexa was still unsure. It had been three days, and every one of those days Clarke had left something slipped under her apartment door (Lexa still needed to get her locks changed after Clarke had stormed her way through) - a note saying she had called in sick for Lexa (how she had figured out who to call, Lexa didn't know), a note saying she hoped Lexa was okay, and finally, a note apologizing, even though Lexa knew she should be the one to apologize. She rolled back into bed, switching off her reading lamp and tried to quiet her tumultuous mind. She fell into an exhausted sleep two hours later.

 

* * *

 

She was going to go for a walk. Lexa had finally roused herself from her bed at 3pm, put on a sports bra, leggings and a loose-fitting tank top, cap and sunglasses and was ready to go. She hastily shoved her headphones in her ears, blasting her favourite playlist and swung through the door. But as it slammed shut behind her, automatically locking, Lexa swore. Her keys. She could picture them, still hanging innocently. On the wrong side of the door. The _inside._ Lexa growled and slammed her fist against the white wood. Just her luck that she locked herself out the day _after_ she had the locks replaced - before she'd had the chance to hide a spare set or give one to a trusted neighbour. She had been avoiding the latter. Feeling the angry tears build up in her throat, Lexa decided she may as well go on her damned walk seeing as she now had nothing else to do - she stormed down the stairs and walked for almost six miles before returning, sweaty and in an even more riled up state than before.

Unfortunately, as most sane people (including Lexa) know, a door will not unlock itself if you just leave it alone while you go for a walk. Lexa, now hot and still frustrated, fell back against the door and sank to the ground with an exasperated sigh, her head dropped to her hands. She was just contemplating who to call when she heard footsteps trudging up the stairs, and a familiar blonde came into view.

"Lex- are you okay? What are you doing?" Clarke gaped at the figure on the ground.

"What does it look like," Lexa snapped back, snarkier than she intended. "I locked myself out by accident. I just wanted to go for a damn walk."

Clarke laughed, a loud, throaty laugh that startled Lexa and made her look up at the girl in front of her with shock.

"It's not funny," Lexa said, although she wasn't sure if she was annoyed at herself or Clarke's reaction.

"Come on," the blonde chuckled, grabbing Lexa by the forearm and helping her up. "You're all sweaty and gross, come and clean up in my apartment and then we can get you sorted out."

"Hey!" Lexa retorted, hoping Clarke couldn't see the blush she could feel heating her features as she allowed herself to be pulled through the opposite door.

"And then, we're going to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr [@dwelling0ndreams](https://dwelling0ndreams.tumblr.com/)


	11. Ch. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so after over a year I am finally finishing up this fic - thanks so much to you beautiful readers who have stuck with me! enjoy this last chapter :)

Clarke had leant Lexa the comfiest pair of sweatpants she had ever worn in her life. After quickly showering, and trying very hard not to think about the fact she was showering in _Clarke Griffin's_ shower, Lexa had thrown on the super soft pants and loose fitting t-shirt Clarke had carefully laid out for her. She toweled her unruly hair roughly as she exited the bathroom, coming to a stop when she saw the blonde in the kitchen, humming as she stirred honey into two steaming cups of tea. Lexa cleared her throat, and smirked as Clarke jumped at the sudden but small noise.

"Hey you," Clarke said, returning a small smile. "All clean?"

"Yes thank you," Lexa replied politely, "Can I help?"

"Nope, tea is all done. Why don't you grab your cup and come and sit down. We need to talk."

Lexa swallowed. She knew this would happen eventually, but it didn't mean she dreaded it any less. Picking up the steaming mug, Lexa followed Clarke to the lounge, and carefully folded herself into the corner of the couch opposite Clarke, curling around her tea.

"So..." Clarke began.

"So." Lexa chanced a glace at the girl across from her. Clarke was gazing at her intently, her brow furrowed. For a moment, Lexa found herself drowning in Clarke's brilliant blue eyes, and had to pull herself back to reality, blinking, before she was too far gone.

"About what happ-"

"I'm sor-

They both laughed awkwardly, waiting for the other to speak. Finally, Clarke spoke up.

"Lexa, I can't stop thinking about you. I know I reacted badly. It's just... I'm terrified. I'm terrified that every time I look at you I have this swooping feeling in my stomach, and I don't know if I feel sick, or nervous, or excited. And I've never felt like that before. And the only way I could deal with that was to try and forget about it. Obviously, my means of forgetting aren't particularly... well. You know."

Lexa's heart was in her throat. She stared intently down at her mug. She swallowed.

"Lexa, I'm so sorry. I know I'm an awful person and I've done so much fucked up shit and I can't even begin to-"

"Stop. Please, Clarke." Lexa leaned forward and placed her tea on the coffee table next to Clarke's. She turned to Clarke, forcing her eyes to meet the other girl's. "I know. I'm sorry too." She reached out and took one of Clarke's hands between hers. The blonde let out a watery laugh as she choked down a sob.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lex. You've been nothing but supportive and kind to me. I've been such an idiot."

They sat in silence, both of them watching Lexa trace small circles into Clarke's palm. After a while, Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand.

"Costia?" she whispered.

And Lexa told her. She told Clarke, the girl from the apartment across the hall who she met barely six months ago, all the secrets she'd kept buried so deep inside her chest. She told her about Costia, her first love, who committed suicide when Lexa was nineteen years old. Who Lexa thought she would never get over. Who had called Lexa the night she died, when Lexa had ignored the call because Costia had done this one too many times before, calling Lexa to brag about her latest boy toy. Who Lexa felt responsible for, the pit of guilt in her stomach solidifying and becoming a permanent presence in her life. And Clarke cried silently with Lexa, as she finally let go of her memories.

"It wasn't your fault, Lexa."

Silence.

And so Clarke told her about Finn and the accident. Lexa listened, her emerald eyes wide and red-rimmed.

"It wasn't your fault, Clarke."

The blonde took a deep, shaky breath, exhaling with a tiny smile. "My mum always says, 'it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all'."

Lexa returned the smile. They fell back into silence, their hands twining together as they remained side by side on the couch. Slowly, carefully, Clarke leant over to Lexa, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. Clarke didn't pull back, remaining close to Lexa, their breath mingling shakily as they both exhaled. Lexa turned her head the tiniest bit to the right and then their lips were brushing, ever so gently, like a whisper. Lexa felt as if tiny sparkles were exploding under her skin, and her heartrate accelerated with the pace of the kiss. They shifted their bodies to be face to face, arms and hands roaming every inch of the other in a futile attempt to be closer. Suddenly, Lexa flipped Clarke onto the sofa so the brunette was lying on to of her, her leg coming to rest between Clarke's. She rested her forehead against Clarke's, inhaling shakily with a smile. "Hi."

Clarke smiled back. "Hi," she replied. And then they were kissing again, one hand tangled together while the other sought purchase in hair, clothes, fingers dancing over skin.

Nothing had ever felt more right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this story. It's been so long between posts I wondered if I'd ever finish but for now, Helpless is finito. As always, I appreciate your feedback so much, and if you liked this story please check out some of my others! x


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